When I started this journal I decided to post every day.  Then the depression set in and I just didn't.  The necessary drive to do so just disappeared.  Well the depression has receded and I've been thinking about things.  I don't think I need the every day posting any more.  I'm going to plan on posting at least a couple times a week and whenever I need the venting.....but it isn't going to be every day.

Right now Master and I are working on getting back to the normal.  Master has a terrible head cold at the moment and was just plain drained last night.  I had stayed up way too late on sunday night so I was torn between wanting to spend time with Master and needing sleep myself.  Our common sense won out and we only spent about an hour together instead of the normal three.  And most of that hour was out running some errands.  But I'm ok with it.  For the most part, I feel like things are back to normal.  With Masters cold, we haven't really had much time together, but that happens.

I'm pretty sure that on Wed night we're just going to hang out.  Master just called and he is feeling better, but it's because he's taking cold meds to keep things under control.  If this is the cold that has been in our area lately, it's going to last at least two weeks.  I feel a little guilty, because he knows how much I'm craving normal and he didn't cancel last night because of that.  I was the one who asked him if he wanted to call it early.  I knew he did, but he was going to stay up for me.  So I left and let him get some sleep.  I needed the sleep too.

Well, I have a long day at work today, Master has called and the boys are in bed, so I think it's time for me to get some sleep as well......

Lately I've been changing my normal userpic to the lock and chain.  Not sure why.  It just seems to fit.  I think I'm feeling a little loose in my submissiveness lately.  When Wife lost her job it really threw a kink in our schedules.  She started going to bed later, which makes our weeknights together later.  And she was always around.  I couldn't even have my fridays off with Master.  I was allowed to join the two of them for a time, but it wasn't time with Master. 

I've chosen to be with Master and to accept my place, please keep that in mind while reading this post.  For the most part I'm a second class citizen when I am at Master's house.  It is only right.  Master is married.  Wife should come first.  But when "my" time is lost it is difficult for me.  Monday was a perfect example.  When I arrived at Master's house, we were supposed to have two hours alone.  It was going to be spent cleaning his house, so that everything was clean when Wife got home.  I really didn't care.  It didn't bother me that I wasn't getting playtime.  But I hadn't been there 15 minutes when Master's phone rings.  Wife is outside the house, she got out of work early, was it ok for her to come in. 

Now I understand that it is Wife's house.  I would not want Master to tell Wife she had to find something to do.  But I lost "my" time with Master.  Instead it was spent with Master and Wife on the couch and me by myself on another couch.  I don't mind seeing them together, but seeing them together during what was supposed to be "my" time hurt.  Later, Master basically made Wife go upstairs so that we could have a little play time together, but it felt wrong.  I accept being a second class citizen and being below Wife.  I wouldn't want that to change.  I just want to know what to expect. 

Then wednesday night I was told to be over by about 11:30.  When I got there I found Wife still awake, along with a friend.  Just getting their dinners.  Wife went upstairs to bed after eating, about midnight.  But friend stayed up the entire time I was there.  I again got no time alone with Master.  I don't know why it matters so much.  Friend knows about everything.  I was allowed to cuddle with Master while we watched tv.  But it doesn't feel right. 

Today was one of my fridays off of work.  I went over to see Master, but he didn't get good sleep last night.  He wasn't up to the play that I had been promised (when I can be noisy without consequences).  I got three hours alone with him.  It was good.  We watched stupid reality tv and cuddled.  I got him lunch.  I'm not even sure I really wanted to play myself.  I just need some type of schedule back.  I'm good with schedule, I'm not good with change. 

The holidays are finally over with.  Wife finally has a job.  Friend goes away to school.  I can only hope that things are going to be getting back to normal.  I want Masters attention.  I want my time with Master.  I'll find out on Monday if it looks like things are back to normal.

Well, if things get back on track I may once again feel like writing some stories.  I'm not there yet.  But I'm feeling better than I have in a couple of months.......

Well I hope everyone's New Years went well.  I had to be in to work by 8am today, so I didn't stay out late.

Now to try and write things out without getting confusing.  New Years Eve is on a fucking Monday.  Lately the world has been out to get me.  Mondays and Wednesdays and even Saturdays have not been "normal".  The fucking holidays have been intruding on everything.  I'm just happy that it is all over and that next week things can get back to normal.  I need order in my life.  That is the one thing I crave.  Order, not too much change.  When I don't get it, I get either ornery or depressed.  I know that bugs Master.

Anyway, back to the story.  Master called me to tell me that he didn't have to work on Monday and Wife did.  So he wanted me to come over right after I got out of work because we should have about 2 hours before Wife got home.  So I did.  I didn't even stop to get anything to eat first.  I got there to find Master in the bathroom getting cleaned up, he had been up all night and was just getting moving.  That's ok, fine, no problem.  He tells me that after we've played around we have to get the house picked up before Wife gets home.  I suggest that we just get the house done.  After all, I'm going to be with Master, that is what matters to me.  That I get a couple hours of just being with him.  Being able to touch without worrying about who sees, being able to say what I want without worrying about who hears, etc.

It isn't 15 minutes after I've gotten there, Master has just finished getting dressed when his phone rings.  It's Wife.  She's outside calling to make sure it's ok to come in because she sees my car there.  FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!  So much for alone time with Master.  I've been in a good place lately.  It isn't bothering me to not get playtime.  It isn't bothering me too much that schedules aren't meshing.  As long as I know I get some alone time with Master, I'm good.  But that hit me hard last night.  I know and accept that Wife is Wife and comes first.  It is her house, it is her husband.  But I had been promised my time by Master and having it suddenly jerked out of my reach hit hard. 

I said I had to get some food and got out to the car to get something to eat and get the rest out of my system.  I almost made it too.  But Master suddenly comes out to tell me to wait a minute so he can go with me, since Wife has suddenly decided she is hungry too.  So he got to see me break down.  I think I made him feel guilty.  It wasn't my intention, but I had to get past it and I wasn't going to without a good cry. 

We got the food and went back.  Sat in the living room with Master and Wife curled up on the couch together, watching Law and Order.  Shit, I would have been better off at home, alone.  I'm not upset with my spot in life, but they were curled up together and I hadn't had any of my time.  I was probably wrong, but sometimes emotions don't care about right and wrong. 

Last week I had bought a new little teddy like outfit.  The first time I wore it out to Master's I was having a bad night because hubby was being a fucktard.  That night all I did was show it to Master.  The second time I wore it out there, Master had not slept well and had a bad headache, so all I did was show it to Master.  The third time I wore it was yesterday.  I had worn it to work.  And it had a fucking thong.  I hate those dame things, riding my ass all day long, 8 hours of work.  And I voluntarily gave it up for helping Master with the house. 

Master knew I had it on, so he asks me if I've shown it to Wife.  Of course I hadn't.  I bought it for him, not Wife.  But he really wanted me to show it to her.  So I stripped down to it.  It really is a cute little thing and it fits me really well.  But at that point, I told Wife it was bad luck and that I shouldn't wear it if I wanted to get fucked.  That this was the third time I'd worn it and I couldn't get laid to save my life.......

I don't think Master liked that.  A little later he asked Wife to go upstairs so that we could play before anyone else was expected over.  She did.  And then I had another dilemma.  It bothers me to know that Wife is awake in the house knowing what we are doing.  It isn't that I think she has a problem with it, it just doesn't feel right.  I have no problems if she isn't in the house or if she is asleep.   But when I know she's awake it's awkward for me.  So then Master is getting upset with me for not just jumping right into playing.  I wanted to.  God, I wanted to.  I've been horny since Saturday, the night I get to see Master and not touch......

Anyway, we did have a bit of a quickie.  It took the edge off and put my life back into a bit of balance.  I stayed over there until about 12:30 and then headed home, since I had to be up at 7.  It was a quiet night.  Played video games and I even had a bit of a nap....

I don't know if I'll get to go over to Masters tomorrow, because with the holidays I don't know if hubby will be home or not......but I have friday off of work and Wife is working again.  That means that I get a few hours on friday, before Master has to go to work.  I think things will be getting back to normal after that.....

Well, here's to the New Year working out better than the last one.  Although for the first time in quite a while I have to say that I wouldn't give up last year for anything.  If I were to give up last year, I would be giving up Master.  The past 7 months have been much better for me than the past 7 years..........

But I married a man who just has no idea........

Christmas up at moms wasn't bad.  The only really down side was my hubby telling my mom that car maintenance is considered christmas presents.  He actually had the nerve to consider replacing my tire (which only had a slow leak and could have waited) as being my christmas present.  He can't shop for our boys himself, he needs me for that.  It's sad.  For the most part I've accepted it, because I have no choice.  But some days he carries his self importance so far that it hurts.  And he managed to do it this year.

We didn't get up to my moms house until 3am because hubby got home so late.  He and the boys got to sleep, but I got to drive.  Then I was up by 8am because of the dog and the boys.  Then I ran all day saturday with mom, getting ready for christmas with the boys and also getting ready for the family christmas party on sunday.  Then we spent time power wrapping presents.  Mom and I convinced hubby to let us do christmas with the boys saturday night instead of sunday morning.  The really nice part of that was the boys not getting up early and having more time to get ready for the other two families to arrive for the party.

The party went well.  Kids all got a few more presents and everyone ate well.

The trip back was nerve wracking.  Normally the trip is 2 1/2 hours long.  But it took us 4 hours with the weather.  Snow doesn't bother us, we travel in it all the time.  But the blowing made visibility bad and we had to go slow or else either go into the ditch or hit the car in front of us....

I had to work monday, but hubby didn't.  So he spent the day with the boys.  After work I went home for a little while and then told the boys that I was going to my monday night gaming session.  In reality I was going over to Masters house to wrap the boys santa presents.  It was nice to just lay them out and get them wrapped without having to worry about one of the boys waking up and seeing what I was doing.  After I got mine wrapped, I wrapped a couple for Master.  Then I sat down to watch him play on his new Xbox 360 and managed to fall asleep. 

But going over to Master's helped.  I got myself regrounded, regrouped and am doing better today than I was.  Wife agreed with me that hubby is an asshole for considered car maintenance a christmas present.  He brags about how well he has finances under control....well this is why.  I have different priorities than he does.  And his priorities make him a dick......

Wife's new job is going well.  I think this means that she'll be staying there.  She likes what she is doing and the people she is working for like her and her work ethics.....

Hope everyone elses christmas went well.....

I ended up at home today.  Kept the youngest home sick and not two hours after school started had to go get the oldest for being sick as well.  But I got half my dishes done (I know that doesn't sound like much, but almost all my dishes were dirty.  And that includes the eating dishes, eating utensils, pots, pans, cooking utensils, plastic storage, mixing bowls, etc).  I would have liked to have gotten it all done, but we had to eat and I had to pack us for a trip to moms this weekend. 

Now we're just waiting for hubby to get home to go.  I'm going to miss Master this weekend and I'm not sure if I'm going to get to see him on Monday, but it's all ok.  I'm not feeling quite as down as I have been lately.......

Anyway, I won't be on again before Monday, mom doesn't have internet.

Have a good weekend all.....

I went over for Wed night play night.  To be honest, the depression is still there.  It took a lot of energy just to get myself to take a shower and prepare for a night with Master.

We probably haven't had a "good" night since Master got sick over a month ago.  About the time he started feeling up to doing more than watching tv, I was coming down with the same cold.  The damn cold hung on for 3 weeks for each of us.  By the time I got over the cold, the holiday depression started to set in. 

That along with Master being tired and Wife not having a job, we just haven't meshed well.  Master and I have made it a point to still see each other on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I still go over every Saturday for gaming.  But we haven't been doing much more than watching some tv.  Last week I had had a really bad day.  Things were happening at home and work to just really bring me down.  I didn't know what I needed but Master did.  He used all his Dominant powers to pull me up and make me feel better.  It was a fun but different night. 

Last night the depression was more internalized than brought on by events and I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle any of the humiliation aspect that is so often a part of our play time.  I know how Master feels about me and the humiliation that happens during playtime is not demoralizing at all.  In fact it bothers Master a little that I agree with what he calls me and says about me.  But depression changes it all.  Then it can really bring me down.  I asked Master if we could leave that part out of our play and he complied without a complaint.  I can't even begin to go into details today, but Master gave me what I needed and I believe still got what he wanted out of it.  Today my butt cheeks are pretty sore and my thighs ache.  But as Master mentioned last night, I had a real smile on my face for the first time in a few weeks.  He said even my eyes were sparkling.  He was glad that it was him that brought that back to me. 

Once Christmas is over the depression will lessen.  It is a problem I deal with every year...

Oh yeah, almost forgot that Wife got a job.  She started on Tuesday.  I'm hoping that some things will get back to where they were before.  I talked to Master a little last night and it looks like she'll start going to bed about 11, so our nights can start an hour earlier.  This will be good for me, since I don't get enough sleep as it is........  I'm hoping it will also mean that when I get my fridays off, I'll be able to see Master during the day, like we used to.  Our once a month daytime meeting is the only time that I am truly allowed to just let go.  I am normally a very vocal person and when we meet at night I have to remember to keep quiet.  I don't mind, but it is nice to be able to truly let go once in a while....

Enough rambling for one day.....hope everyones holidays are going well......

Well, I can't say anything new has happened around here.  The gamers had their christmas party last night.  I made a couple of my french silk chocolate pies.  They went over pretty well.  I played a couple of short games.  Watched Master playing a game on his new xbox 360.  Watched the new Simpsons movie on DVD.  By the time the movie was over most everyone was playing another game.  I didn't know the game and didn't feel like learning the rules so I watched them for a little while.  Then I saw the Wife was passed out (having had more than 2 bottle of wine already).  So I went to the kitchen and got any food that needed refrigeration put away.  Then I did the few dishes there were.  Master came out and told me I was supposed to be having fun.  I shrugged him off (after all everyone was already in the middle of a game that I was bored watching).  I told him I was going to be heading home soon.  The weather was bad and I had to have my car at home so that hubby would fix my exhaust system today......

I've been stuck at home because of this today.  Got my oldest boy to get his 2 page report done.  Got the living room picked up.  Watched some tv.  Enjoyed Stardust.  Now I'm kind of tired, so I'm heading to bed.

Tomorrow is girls game night and then tv with Master.......

Sorry guys, I know I've been seriously missed :-P  Hehehee, I'm so full of myself, most of you probably didn't even notice I was gone!

After Thanksgiving I got one hell of a cold.  Between working, being a mom, being a submissive and being sick I had absolutely no energy.  In fact I wasn't even a good submissive.  Master had to put up with a lot of tv watching, waiting for me to get better.  Then I went into a depressive slump. 

I'm working my way back out of the slump.  Master is even helping by making sure I don't shirk my submissive duties, regardless of if I feel like it or not.  That really is a good thing.  It helps me ground myself. 

I don't have a lot to say except hey everyone......  

I made the past four days without internet.  It was a calming time.  No real responsibilities, which can be good once in a while.   There were rough spots, but there always are when you have two boys.....

Hope everyone's thanksgiving went well. 

I miss Master, but get to see him tomorrow night.  I don't get any contact with him until then though, not even a voice on the phone.....

I just realized I haven't been on in quite a while.  Everything is pretty much normal around here.  I've been joining Master on Mondays and Wednesdays as well as gaming with him and Wife on Saturdays.  Working hard.

Work has been especially busy, making me extra tired.  Master and/or I have been tired or sick the past couple of weeks, so it has been more hanging out together than playing.  As much as I enjoy playing with Master, it is not the all important thing that has to happen every week right now.

I did get a good fucking last night.  I didn't think it was going to happen and neither did Master.  We were both really tired from work and Master had a headache.  But I'm leaving for a Thanksgiving vacation tomorrow after work and won't be back until Sunday.  This means an entire week without seeing Master.  I also have very limited cell phone reception at my moms house, which means that I probably won't be able to talk to him either.  She also doesn't have internet access, which means no contact that way either (also no posting here......).

It is going to do the boys and I good to get this mini vacation.  But I will miss Master.  A lot.

Happy Turkey day everyone.  I'll try to get back into the swing of things after the holiday.

Last night was game night.  I went over early, Master's way of trying to make up for canceling on Wednesday.  Problem is that he got a new video game and so I waited for 45 minutes after I got there, before he got to a stopping point.  Then we had to go out and get dinner for Master and Wife.  When we got back, we sat down to have a little tv and cuddle time.  But the first gamer showed up within minutes of us sitting down.  I wanted to cry. 

But game night lasted almost all night.  We gamed from about 9:30 until almost 5:00.  And when we finished Master and I sat back down to finish watching the episode of the tv series we had started....I got home at 6am.  I think that is a record even for me.  However with the boys gone for the weekend I was able to sleep until 11.  Then the dog and cat decided that it was time for me to move.  I got a bit of a nap in the early afternoon. 

Now I'm working on dishes and having dinner ready when the boys get back.

Monday night will be another tv night.  I can only hope that when Wednesday night comes around Master and I will be up for some real play time.  The only other thing I can think of is to ask everyone to have Wife in their thoughts for getting a job.  She's starting getting some interviews and I could REALLY use having her out of the house a little bit.  I love her dearly, but it's just plain awkward to have her around when we want to play......

was pretty tame.  Just three of us girls hanging out.

But we did stick around long enough that I got to see Master for a couple minutes.  It's amazing to me that just being in the same room with him for a few minutes can make everything right again......

I had no time alone with him.  Nothing to say "you're special", but I got to see him, hear him, touch him.....and that makes everything right again.

He said that I'll get to go over a couple hours early tomorrow night and we'll watch some tv together.  Master means so much to me.....

Just want to hear his voice.  It's funny how you miss just one night.  My schedule with seeing Master has been fairly set for months now.  So whenever we miss a night it knocks me off kilter.  Maybe after he gets off work tonight I'll call him.......

tonight.  Apparently he hasn't been sleeping well and he's exhausted.

It is really ok though.  I'm a little tired myself and I've been fighting a headache (migraine) since Monday night.  I've taken two of my migraine pills already.  That is a lot when you understand that a bottle of six usually lasts me between six and eight months.  Two in two days is almost unheard of.  I don't know if it is actually a migraine, but the pills I take are a last ditch effort when nothing else works......

We were supposed to play tonight.  I was promised an exceptional night, but I'm getting used to that not happening.  I'm getting to the point where I don't count on it happening.  And right now I'm ok with it all.  Reading this it sounds as though I'm complaining, but I'm really not....just rambling....

Guess rambling isn't a good thing, I'm going to go lay down with the puppy now.....

Night all.  

Yesterday was an extremely busy day.  I had work all day.  When I got home I had to feed the boys and give the puppy a bath.  Then I had parent teacher conferences; all before game night.  I had 3 hours to do the list and got it done in about 3 1/2.  Game night was quiet.  Only three of us (and the game master) showed up and one had to leave early.  But it was a good night.  There was a wonderful homemade soup and a scrumpious apple cake.  I took the puppy to conferences and game night.

Shortly after game night ended, Master got home.  I decided that puppy should go home.  Went back and had tv night with Master.  It was a very quiet calm evening.  Cuddling and watching tv.  I developed a headache and we called it a night about an hour earlier than usual, but I'm not upset.

Today was another busy day at work and I'm now home having a quiet night with my boys.....

My ass isn't as sore today and I haven't checked for the bruising, but that was the best thing Master could have done for me.  I've been so much calmer since......

Yesterday was a miracle for me.  I don't know how long it will last, but I do know that it does me wonders to be beat!!!

My ass isn't as bruised as I thought it was going to be, but it has been difficult to sit today.  Luckily I was moving around most of the day, so I didn't have to sit much.

Tonight is game night.  Then tv night with Master.  We discussed it and it is for sure that it will be tv night.  After yesterday and the long day I had today, it will be better that way.

Well, hope everyone else has a good night.

Master invited me over today. When hubby got home I took off.  I didn't even wait for him to get into the house, I was out the door as soon as he pulled in.

I got over to Master's house and settled in on the couch with the barking doorbells.  Wife was there (I knew she would be) so there wouldn't be any cuddling.  This was more of some down time for me.  Time spent at Master's, being able to watch tv, develop a character (another story) and just chill.  No children, no pressures.  Master settled onto the other couch and turned on the tv.  I got the books out to try and finish the character Master wanted from me.  We chilled.  The surprise came when Wife decided to head out to a game.  Master didn't want to go and that left time for us alone. 

It is the first time since Wife got laid off that we have actually had the house to ourselves.  In the past, when Wife went to bed, we had the house to ourselves because she is a very hard sleeper and we knew we weren't going to wake her.  And the fridays that I got off she was at work.  Of course neither of those things are happening now. 

It didn't take Master long to decide to take advantage of the opportunity.  My pants were lowered almost before I knew what was happening and my ass was being beaten with the 1" dowel rod.  I was wet before he finished with the first swing.  To be honest most of the play session is a blur to me.  I was practically delirious with pain and pleasure.  I know there was hair pulling, cock sucking, pussy playing, anal probing.....  Master even gave me a second session of the rod.  I've been craving being hit for quite a while now and I couldn't stop asking for more.  Master kept asking if I'd had enough, I don't think I could have brought myself to say yes.  Of course, after a bit, Master wanted more. 

He had me on my back and was buried in me very quickly.  The thrusts were enough that my ass was off the floor and I was riding across it.  When my ass did touch the floor I could feel the markings of the rod.  It didn't take long for Master to pound his way to orgasm.  I was still so high from the beating that I didn't have to lay on the floor gathering myself.  I followed Master into the bathroom.

A couple hours later I found it difficult to sit flat on my ass.  I went into the bathroom and looked.  I believe that two different swipes of the rod left bruises.  Looking at it in the mirror it is a little hard to tell, but I think I see to seperate and distinctive marks, right next to each other.  I'm going to be feeling this for a couple of days.  Every time I sit on my stool at work tomorrow I will be thinking of Master.  It's a good think I sleep on my stomach, lol. 

There was a few more hours of watching tv and cuddling.  About an hour before I came home another friend joined us and the cuddling stopped.  But I saw Master watching me squirming on the couch, trying to get comfortable and I believe it gave him pleasure.  I can't wait to show him the bruising tomorrow.

I know that this isn't going to happen very often until Wife gets a job, but to get it today helped me immensely.

Have a good night all.

I'm starting to feel a new story coming on.  I won't be able to write today if hubby is really staying home with the boys, but one nigh this week. 

I swear that should be my motto.  And every time I think I'm upset about something and don't know how to talk to him, I should remember that.  I KNOW he isn't reading my journal.  I told him about it, I know he looked at it shortly after I started it, but he has told me that he doesn't read it and I believe him.  Once in a while I will send him one of my posts, but not usually.

But my point comes from last night.  Shortly after I finished on the computer I laid down.  I was reading when Master called.  He wanted to talk because he knew I was upset about the whole watching tv thing.  He thought it was that he was watching it ahead of me.  And it wasn't.  It was a little difficult for me to tell him, but thankfully I had thought it out and realized what the problem was.  As stated last night, it was that he was watching it with Wife instead of with me.  That I felt he was taking something that was supposed to be special between us and giving it to Wife.  I knew he wasn't, but that didn't matter to the feelings. 

He understood it and pointed out that he is caught up on that series now, so we'll be going back to things that Wife doesn't want to watch.  I knew all this.  I don't like feeling like I did and he knows that.  He knows it all.  But he called me to talk.....that is what made it all ok for me.  I didn't have to try and bring up a subject that made me uncomfortable. 

He has also invited me over today.  I will be able to go this afternoon since hubby is taking the boys. 

I know Master cares.  I knew it last night.  I wish I didn't know about jealousy.  First of all, I don't like feeling that way.  Secondly, the relationship set up with Master was including that Wife comes first.  I know things will get back on track.  I know things will get better.  I just have to be able to wait out the lull.......

Now for a nap before going to see Master.

 be happy with what is offered to me.  But what does one do when they no longer feel wanted or special? 

TV night with Master was always about shows that we wanted to watch.  Things that Master wanted to see that Wife didn't.  The fact that I enjoyed the same shows made it special time with Master.  But the latest series Wife got interested in.  Master watched the last 4 1/2 discs with her.  Yes, I got to go over and watch them, part of the time with Master next to me.  But he had already seen them.  Now I have the last two to watch by myself at home.  Yes, Master said he would rewatch them with me on Monday night, but it isn't special to watch them this way.  Does that make any sense?  Or am I losing my mind?

With all the other changes that have happened lately, this just pushed me over the edge.  While they were watching the rest of them today, they didn't even think to call me and ask if I wanted to join them.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to be happy with what I'm offered.  But sometimes things just go too far.  And the past couple of weeks I've already complained to Master that I'm not getting what I want in the way of sex, so I don't think I can bring myself to complain about this as well.....

Things will probably look better in the morning, I hope so......